Saturday, June 17, 2006
It's the second time i see dead animals on the road.Both head were gone and as the car went past their carcass,their body flew up slightly for the wind generated by the vicious car causes that.I think seeing dead animals is one of the world's most depressing thing.People might beg to differ because to them animals are just animals.But to me animals are life and i feel deeply about them.I don't think my friends in general get what's the fuss and maybe at times they are sick of my whining about death of animals.They try to change that belief by saying isn't it cruel to eat vegetables too as they are living things too.I get quite sick of explaining because this is sorta like if you don't get it you don't get it.I don't need people to change their belief to stand on my side but it is definately nice if they can respect my belief.I don't want to seem pushy but sometimes i might fiercely protect my own belief and hopefully people won't get offended. I am getting scared to look at the road nowadays and i get very anxious when i see animals(dog or cats or birds) trying to cross the road or by the roadside.Because for some reason i just feel that they are going to be knock down by cars that drive past them.Maybe i've seen too many death on the road to be optimistic about that.I guess it might be the same for people living in a war zone.You lose any hopes in life because all you can see is blood and death.You don't even know when it's your turn to die next.What they and me need is a miracle to bring us back to hoping and believing.I honestly need to witness some miracle on the road.I don't deny that intially i feel really depress and lousy inside after seeing them on the road flatten but now i feel calmer though still sad about it.It got so bad that i actually start to pray for less animals to be killed on the road.I don't normally do that because i am not a very religious person but i try to be a spiritual one.But my sixth sense is normally too blinded to feel anything holy or ghostly or go to a higher state.All my life i've being wanting to witness a ghostly sight and maybe i did like last year in my room but despite that i don't think i am quite scared of them yet. I don't understand something and maybe you guys can help me with it.Why is it that i feel nothing when i see dead human pictures but i feel so disgusted and sad and angry when i see dead animal pictures.And most of the time i can't bear to look at them.I am human right so logically i should feel more for dead humans than dead animals.Oh god am i going mad soon. Anyway how do you know if the guy that appear in front of you is the right one?They always talk about 'that special feeling' but i think all my life i've being trying to search for 'that special feeling'.My friends said don't go looking for love and let love find you.But isn't this a bit cliche.Almost everybody have being there done that.They've probably really like a person before or at least experience that euphoria feeling when they fall in love.And they have their heart broken when the one they love don't love them back.They say i am too picky but isn't it suppose to be if you don't like the person you don't waste their time or lead them on?Sometimes i wonder is it better that i wait a while before deciding if the person is suitable for me.But then he will be left to pick up the broken pieces if eventually i feel that he isn't the one for me.Isn't that too cruel?At time especially when dealing with people's feelings i tend to play it too safe...I don't know...Maybe...
Y 10:25 PM
Sunday, June 04, 2006
I've been in and out of favour with lady luck I gotta tell you I've seen things i never wanted to see I've got to get back on my feet I feel like i've been sleeping Sweet, sweet time Has been a real good friend of mine Waiting for that change of season Oh the winter's been so long Searching for that rhyme or reason You've just got to Move on Hold it together, move on Life's so short, move on Only time will set you free You put your fears behind you Better get yourself where you wanna be I think of all the days and nights i spent crying And i move on"If i know that the other day when we had project 2gether is our last chat 2gether, i would have cherished it with all my heart. I can't help it with tears flowing down my face."
I felt a sense of sadness overwhelming me when i read this.It that sense of helplessness,
and forlornness.Really it isn't that bad for me because honestly i never felt that special connection with her.But Lili did,she give her all to you.So when she is let down,she really feel to the bottom of the pit crashing every ounce of belief that she had in you.
Maybe it's inevitable.People let us down and we let people down in our lifetime.I dare to say that even if i wasn't involve in this whole thing like cheryl, i would still have being mad and still would have ignored you.Why?Because we are all in this friendship that we share the same bond.Maybe it's less between each other but nonetheless it is still there.And because of this everyone feels the same about this issue.I am mad that you let lili down like this and i am mad that you gave up on the friendship when you could do something about it.We certainly weren't out to get you but we really wanted to reconcile.
Maybe someday the rest will forgive you for this but i won't and i can't.Not after i've seen the darkest side of you.I think you're scary.really i do.You've like suddenly transform into a monster.While i certainly think it isn't fair to push the blame to the bf for this because you certainly couldn't display such evilness if it wasn't inbuilt.They were just hidden all inside you and waiting to explode.I shudder at the thought of this.Please don't hurt lili anymore.
Thank you Cheryl for always stand by me all along(even when before this whole thingy begin).I bet you've grown tired of listening to my craps about my fancy item.But nonetheless i will still update you about him as usual cause it is a good laugh.Thanks for being there and supporting silently.You are even more handy than a boyfriend.Although sometimes a bit redudant but at least you always say the right things at the right time.So i got to give you an A+ for that effort.
Eric though we drifted apart but i guess this issue made us closer again.And we are starting to learn and accept each other from the start again.The process might be tedious but nontheless i do hope it's going to be steady.Time will tell and i do hope we can surpass that and bring ourself to a higher level.
This issue no doubt made me see you guys in a different light(positive light) and it revive a dead friendship that i long wish to let go.Maybe it isn't that bad to wait a while before letting go.
Y 12:38 AM
Friday, June 02, 2006
Loads of crap happened the past few days so was feeling too tired to blog.But oh well now that everything is over we all got to move on.Let's see what shall i blog about today.Ok, i shall allow myself to comment about her and her boyfriend for the last time(i hope).Firstly i don't hate either of them.Maybe intitally i was but it dissolve away very soon.I guess it's more of dislike than hate.Actually bascially after yesterday's conversation we had with her i more or less get the whole idea already.So it really doesn't matter much what she does anymore because she will still be a hi bye friend for me.And as for the bf i heard that he is feeling guilty and wanna apologise to me(not sure if it is true or not) but then again forget about it.I just wanna let things die down cause it is actually very tiring to be immerse into all these events that just sucks your energy away.So i'll just leave things as it is.I guess this whole issue made us closer and tighter.You see it's sorta weird cause you always need some crap to happen for things to become better.So when crap happens either we all fall apart or stay even tighter together.I am glad it's the latter cause i really can't afford to lose any more dear friends.But then again i would never keep any friendship or relationship just for the fear of loneliness.If it is a bad one no matter what i'll walk out of it.Maybe that is why yf says i am the kind that won't go back to my bf or husband if we got seperated .I guess that's true because it is really quite pointless to be going around in circles.Maybe we all have the ability to walk out of something that is bad or abusive but time and time again we always choose to go back in hopes that the next time it'll always be ok or better.But sometimes that is really wishful thinking, you can't make people change and neither can you adapt to that so what to do but to walk away to make both people happy.Nobody is wrong in such situation but it is a sad yet valid enough scenerio.We all cry ,got hurt and learn from it.So that brings me to this point.There is a guy i sorta fancy but the more i think about it the less reason i could convience myself to stay on.You see he is like sooooo dull that i feel like screaming u noe what i like you do u? But then again that is so uncalled for and uncool.It'll most probably make the whole situation awkard.I seriously don't know if he fancy me too cause he has a deadly combination of dullness+confusion+weirdness.That is really bizzare.Initially i'll spend all my nights(well sorta) re-reading our conversation wondering did i do something wrong or right.But slowly i realise it might just be randomness so i stop bothering to make sense of things.Maybe there is always that 70% that he likes me like my friends had told me.But what about the 30%?I am uncertain how we should go from there even if it gets to 100% because we just can't communicate well in real life.Or rather he is too shy to talk to me in real life.I can't forever be communciating with him on msn.It would be too bizzare.So in general i think he is out in my list from this point onwards.So guys if you like a girl don't play too much game and don't be dull cause it'll kills any opportunity.Maybe i am more used to people liking me than i liking someone.But definately i am not angry if i get rejected or whatever because i've being rejecting people all along.I mean they don't like me cause of the same reason i don't like other guys.I can't really blame them for following their heart.But it's alright cause we can't expect everyone to like us.Talking about rejection, i hate to reject people more and more these days.Cause you always have to worry how to do it in a less hurting way yet be firm enough at the same time.Ok I am lazy to continue so maybe next time when i feel like it i'll talk about this isuue.
Y 10:51 PM
