Thursday, January 19, 2006
I am feeling much calmer then my previous entry.It's 2.19am.I have class tomorrow and i can't sleep.Not so much because my mind is burden with all the troubles but merely because i had a five hour nap.I realise that social life is so very important and beneficial to one.That i swear i am going to try to be cherry and mingle around more.I must be one of those most introvert gemini around this world.I am quiet...too quiet.At least i am going to try to talk to people or struck up a conversation and not always waiting like some miss high n mightly for people to talk to me.I am trying but it's hard.It's hard to change who you are especially when you have being quiet for the past.My quietness aren't like deadly silence (ex:...............................) but it's more like i mind my own business you mind your own business.From now onwards it will be like i mind my own business but maybe i could mind your business just a bit too.I admit that i have certainly think about wanting to close this blog but den again i spent too much time typing everything down that i couldn't bear with it.Sometimes i do feel like opening up this blog so that people know who i am really inside and they'll pity me.But then again when i am out of my bouts of depression i praise myself for not doing that because i still think it's really my private life.And i have seen so many people who could't really talk about what they feel because it involves in people that will read their blog.That is really a shame but i am not promoting bashing of people with words either.I went out with sheryldine yesterday...mmm i mean um tuesday.It was great fun.Actually i was scared that it'll all be awkard silence and the taste in shopping would clash.Cause she goes like gucci,LV that sorta shops while i'll be like the kind that goes to U2 mango that sort.But it's great that she is willingly to compromise and i am willingly to compromise.I am really a geek but that day was the ever FIRST time that i step in gucci shop.The experience wasn't that bad because nobody bother us which is good! And secondly you see people in jeans going inside(which i always thought that people who goes in wear suits or even like ball dress) and thirdly nobody gave me that dirty look when i went in.So the environment wasn't that snooty after all.We chit chat about lishan and gang about our life.In the whole we have a blast and vow to go out again.On my way to meet sheryldine, i was approach by some modeling agency like usual and like so many other girls.But for some weird reason, i decided to accept their name card.In fact it's right at my desk.But maybe i have become more interested in modeling that i ever had in my whole life.Blame it on Antm.Maybe someday i'm going to do some crazy stuff and get into an agent.But for now, i think at least i need to lose some weight.It's for my health too.Actually if i could model it could help to pay off some stuff and buy more clothes(i'm sorry if i am too bimboish or vain).Anyway i want to start doing more stuff for myself and to be focus enough to carry it through the end.I think everyone in my family could vouch for me that i have being wasting my life all these while and if i had being more focus i would be able to achieve more than i am now.It's depressing really.And above of all, rudy said to me.Don't play tennis because of your friends but for yourself.He is right so i am damn going to stay in tennis.Even i don't really have anyone to fall back on, but i should just focus on improving.That'll be my main piority.
Y 2:16 AM
Monday, January 16, 2006
I think bascially nothing excites me anymore.I used to be someone who'll get hyper even at the slightest thing..but not anymore these days.
Being spending a lot of time away from my friends and i love it.It's just me and myself which is tension revealing.I think these time spent apart from them made me reevaulate stuff.Maybe i am asking for too much or whatever but i feel my friendship with them had fall apart way back then.But i refuse to see it because i am lonely and pretty much i dun really like to change my friends very frequently.Maybe i insist on wanting it to work that i pay too much of a price already.Be it with shufen,jixuan,xiu xia,li li,stella, eric and cheryl.It's the same.Being working my ass off trying so hard to mantain something with them but it's not even close.We have all lost that closeness...that feeling of wanting to do something better for each other.And it's no use asking you to change because that isn't your character...and even if u can now,u'll fall back to it again.And we will all be back to square one isn't it.
The bottom line is that people changes even within a day or a week and there is pretty much nothing we can do to stop it.So either you can compromise and stay or you can walk away.But since it's my limit already,i'll choose to walk away for good this time round.
A bad friendship is the same as a bad relationship.You always linger long enough to hurt yourself repeately until bang ! one day you can't stand it anymore and walk away.
I feel like an outcast at tennis today.It's tiring to continue anymore.The girls in my group are actually like the bestest friend already so needless to say they have their own clique and are not so acceptance in welcoming new people in their group.Actually i can respect them if they don't want to pull me along because they are totally not compel to like me or whateverso.But i just feel that if you want to talk about me then don't cause firstly you don't even make enough effort to know who am i, what gives you the right to judge me.It's irritating sometimes how small and narrow a human mind can get.I rest my case.I think i stop trying to get along with them today and most probably be like that for the rest of the lesson.Don't get me the wrong way, i don't hate them.
i should really stop being upset already.
Y 9:35 PM
