Thursday, December 23, 2004
More sensible than sensuousYou're a muesli and flannel kind of girl - the type who'd rather go hillwalking than to the Caribbean. The gestures that most touch your heart are those that prove your lover really listens - for example, his buying you the dress you had your eye on instead of splurging on a barely-there negligee you may never wear happily. And the activities you most enjoy are not of the hearts and flowers variety but shared endeavours (e.g. painting the kitchen).It's good that you have both feet on the ground. You don't put too much pressure on your partner or your relationship by expecting the impossible. It's important to you to have your own friends, work, interests, etc.It's not so great if you don't occasionally let your girlie side come out to play, though. Let him wine and dine you every now and then. Give him a soppy card and flowers (why not?) along with the toolbox he's been yearning for on Valentine's Day. The best relationships are ones in which the pair are not only friends and companions but fun-loving, sensuous beings. He's your Romeo, not just your room-mate.
Ok...Apparently I am as romantic as a dead fish....Tough!
Y 4:57 PM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
oh god these few days is soooooo like tennis days....and all the people i hang out are from tennis.i've become kinda close to sheryldine and she told me this biggest secret (well actually i ask her about it as i have my doubts and she just answer them).and yesterday i had a well chat with jacynthia so i think everything it's like totally well now....sigh....it has being such a long time since i had such a smooth day...honestly speaking i had like totally crappy days the past few weeks...but it's days like today that makes living worthwhile.
and that johny is like not pestering me anymore...seriously i've told him plenty of time to give me more time to get over everything and yet he wouldn't...so what else can i do but to avoid him...i dun wanna do this man but it just comes like automatically.and i am really scared of him that i don't even dare to smile at him.And i realise he has like super super big strength.cause that day he pull me to pass me the written piece of paper and he was like grabbing me by the arm.in fact actually guys really do seem to have more strength.i used to think that i am as strong as any other guy but obviously it's all in my imagination.so therefore i conclude that guys are indeed strong enough to rape a girl....okie that sounds so wrong,weird and crude...but seriously i used to think that oh bullshit man how is it possible that a guy can like force upon a girl who has like equal strength and blah blah....how terribly ignorant of me!sometimes my friends say i have weird perceptions and thinking and i guess from this i can kinda understand what they have being going through.
okie i have a mini confession to make....that is i think i like someone already..i think he likes me too(or maybe he is just attracted to me).but honestly it's just a good feeling nothing too deep yet...time will tell if we are meant for each other....but still i get a bit excited when i think about the days i'll be seeing him but i think it's only due to that and the trainings that we got kinda a bit more closer.I told my girlfriends(xiu xia,stella and lili) and they seem kinda excited for me and they feel that he might have some sort of interest in me too....hohhohohoh.yippe.
oh have i mention.....i think tennis totally rocks and i just wanna make it big like to the school team and all that....and today we had a really intense training cause only four of us turn up:me,sheryldine,tobais,jeffery.so coach was able to like give us a one to one rectifying our mistake...and apparently my main problem is that i am not so flexible and i gotta get my legs moving(like shuffle them back and forward instead of taking big steps and stretch my hands to hit the ball)and i told the coach it's a habit like for me to take one big step and he kinda flare up totally and say with his stern tone and look:honestly this is just an excuse if u don't wanna change it then i can seriously tell you this is how far you can go.then forget about making to the team and blah blah(basically a lot of scoldings) .and he ask me to work on my limitations.so my main concern is tennis then drama and then weiqi....i think i am really prepared to give up my post as the secretary if my tennis needs more commitment in the future.
and my whole body frm the scalp onwards hurts cause of the intense training under the hot sun this week....my hands and legs and scalp are like cooked crab colour-really deep red and needless to say it totally hurts man.so NEXT WEEK ONWARDS I'M GONNA COVER MYSELF TOTALLY WITH SUNBLOCK LOTION.or else i might die of skin cancer or watever before i even make it to the team.
Y 11:18 PM
Monday, December 13, 2004
Today is such a negative day...intitally i'm feeling bad about the trip and the vibes he is giving out....but i actually feel so at peace after consulting my tarot cards.I realise that if u pay attention to what the cards are trying to convey with an open mind,the cards are actually pretty accurate.and it works even for people like myself that is so darn not-psychic.And all of the ten cards in the reading is so accurate that it is able to say what i am feeling today totally.
Words of wisdom from the reading(the importance of achieving a balance within oneself as well as in one's surroundings.this cannot be rushed,however and time must be allowed to run its course).
oh dear i haven't buy a tennis racket and i'm dragging this way too long.the sooner i get it the sooner i can close this issue.And tomorrow i have training.Sigh that means got to wake up early.hoho but luckily i have american next top model later to cheer me up.i am so addicted to that show....totally guilt free cause well everyone loves to look at pretty faces and bodies right.I am really pretty into tennis right now and i am even like willingly to sacrifice a few days of my holiday to go for extra training not forgetting to mention that i've got to like pay $40 for that extra thingy.seriously i think jacynthia don't seem to like me much......i ask sherlydine about it and she is like saying no la must be your imagination and all that....but seriously(i sometimes can be real accurate)i think she feels that way about me.initially it really really bothers me and i went all out to talk to her and all that and i even like praise her being able to make it to the sch team(be mindful i wasn't lying at all when i said that,i really do think she is good) but i don't think it works.But now i am like more able to come in term with it....I can't expect everyone to like me right....just as long as she don't hate me can already......sometimes i just cannot expect too much from people.I thought we could become kinda close....in fact i though i will be closer to J than S but in the end it turn out the opposite....but it's okie....maybe it takes time or maybe it just won't happen.=)Sometimes it is better to be less tense and loosen up a bit.
oh yah i have being selected to become drama's vice secretary...And when my name was called the first thing i said was huh what does a drama secretary do?Seriously i have no idea at all intitally.And i was sooooooo shock to hear my name cause i totally never ever in my million years would think that i'll be even like eligeble for that cause i am pretty much a very quiet person over there.But today i am more like um ok..i am the vice secretary therefore i shall do a good job.And hohohoh i get the c.e. points that is like totally cool.
anyway the big main reason why i don't let anyone around me know the existence of my blog is because i don't want them to come in here and read my stuff and then judge me on it.I write those stuff cause i want to and maybe at the spur of moment i wrote something bad or watever so and i don't want to be appologising for things that i don't really mean it .But there are things that i don't even write down in here because those are my very private stuff and i don't even want people that does not know me personally to know about it.
oh darn i forgot about the true files....got to catch my show now
Y 9:12 PM
Sunday, December 05, 2004
i remember this show that i watch ~a place like my own.That day's story is about this welfare community having to take away two children of a mentally disable mother.It just sad really really sad and i believe this is reality.But it just couldn't be help,besides it's for the good of the children for the mother has no ability to care for them.yet we cannot deny that although people as such has much lower iq than the average,they can very much feel a lot of thing.just that they don't have the ability or rather unable to express it out normally like the rest of us.it's just so depressing to see unjustice as such...you'll ask yourself why is life so unfair and why are there people suffering and why are our power so limited.i don't think we'll ever get an answer.so it's really not about asking why this and why that but it's more on how can you adapt to such and how to make the best out of the worse situation.one best quality about them is that they are forever innoncent.how many people can say that they'll still be innoncent after 18 definately?i bet with you a million bucks no way!i used to help out at jurong gardens school when i was primary 5 & 6 and although the kids always pinch me out of nowhere(resulting in a lot of bruises) but never did i once think of quitting because they have their lovely side.i see the innoncence in their eyes and this is something i know i will lose eventually yet they get to keep that forever and ever.....sometimes i do get jealous of them(everyone is gonna say i'm nuts) cause they seem so lovely and innoncent and nice(and that really comes from within them).but they have their own life to live and i have my own to.i think a lot of people look down on them but think about it....it isn't their fault that they are born like that and they did not commit any crime at all so why condemn them...sometimes we tend to judge people too soon and on the outer surface.i am sure there are mothers who despise their own child(down syndrome) and it is just so sad.Because if they don't love and protect their own child,who else will....their mother and family is really wat they only have in this whole wide world...think about this!
Y 9:35 PM
And I’d give up forever to touch you
’cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that i’ll
Ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
’cause sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight
And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d
Understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t
Coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive
And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d
Understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d
Understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d
Understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just like the feeling of this song.a little bit of love a little bit of escaping from it although u don't wanna...a little romance..a little bit of fighting against the tide..
only i know what i'm thinking
Y 8:42 PM
I'm completely down-to-earth!
Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.
You are the most in touch with knowledge. It's the tree of life from which you tap the sap. You know what you want and you know how to reasonably get it.
Virtues: You respect people with plans. When someone has their head on their shoulders, you know that they can see straightforward and keep their eyes on the mark. When it comes to looking at the future, you take a logical approach: what's within your ability? A fortunate attribute that you have is the ability to set a goal for yourself, higher than maybe you feel possible, but still keep yourself within reasonable bounds. You take the time to appreciate those surrounding you and they do appreciate you in return. Decision-making comes naturally to you when you take the time to consider each option. People only come to talk to you when they are looking for a logical, reasonable solution.
Aspirations: You have an idea of what you can do with your life, but you push it up a notch. You need a profession that you can enjoy, so work towards it. You want to live near your friends and family while being as far away as possible. You also want to settle down while working in excitement and variation.
Quirks: You don't appreciate drama queens and they don't appreciate you. When they need help, they won't seek you out because of your ability to see through their overly dramatic predicaments. You have leeway for humor, and sometimes love to participate in it, but when it becomes irrational behavior, others can count you out. Loud noises are bothersome, except when they come from you or your friends.
Factors: Reach for the sky! Don't decide to do something because you're merely good at it, but choose something you might like to do, despite whether you're sure you can master it or not. Don't only save room for a few empathetic friends, but open up to everyone.
Future: When looking for a job, if you work in all of your talents (logic, decision-making, planning, and definitely humor), you'll find yourself happy. Come to a compromise for location; live nearby your friends and take periodic vacations or live farther away and take frequent return trips.
Y 7:06 PM
i had the biggest shock of my life when i recieved johny's sms in the evening.This is what he has sms....
sms1:lilin,sorry i didn't know i'm makin u irriated by sending u gd nite sms everynite.when i send out gd nite sms,i send 2 grp of frenz whom i tot really deserve a place in my heart,includin u.i nv expect u 2 return me 1 gd nite sms everytime i send u 1.since u feel irriated by my sms,i'll stop sendin.don't beangry,i'm wrong.i read ur blog n found out abt dis.d other time ,u put ur blog address as ur msn nick,i was curious n went to c.i found out abt dis friday nite.but ur words tat u used in e blog is enough 2 act as a knife tt really pierced thru my heart.i was so sad,i didn't feel like workin yesterday.not until u came 2 me 2 request abt table 72 coffee.did i feel released,becos u didn't tok 2 me d whole day.anyway,pls 4give e irritatin johny.
sms2:i'm sorry.i know i'm rude 2 read it without ur permission.but ifdon't read it then i won't know i'm irritating u, and i'll keep sendin sms till u find me more irritant.i'm sorry.u can scoldme all u want,u can hate me all u want.i'm feelin guilty.i'm remorseful.but u really hurt me thru n thru.tat nite was d 1st nite i cried since i broke up wif my gf 4 yrs ago.tat was real sad when u know tat u r not appreciated.anyway sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sms3:nvm.it's ok...juz treat it as i'm not strong enuff.i'm a very emotional guy.pathetic hopeless, any negative words u can find can well describe me.sometimes when i make ppl feel irritated,i oso dun know.iknow wat 2 do in d future.i'll keep myself as far away from u as possible.don't worry.i won't irritate u again.and i'm really sorry i read ur blog.i'm really sorry 2 hav come into ur life 2 make u irritated.anyway,i'm quittin spags soon,u wun be able 2 c me soon.i dun 1 u 2 feel guilty watsoever,bcos u're not wrong.i'm d 1 who's wrong.i shouldn't hav kept smsing u when u stopped replying me.
sms4:it's ok.i dun nd u 2 explain.i'm not blaming u,i juz want u 2 know ididn't mean to irriatate u, bcos i didn't know i was irritating u.i'm ok actually.dun worry.
sms5:i'm outside.meetin my poly fren 4 a chat.i'm ok actually.i dun wish 2 be hurt anymore.i'm really tired.i don't blame u really!so dun feel guilty,dun blame urself.u're a nice gal=) have a nice afternoon.i hope i'm not making ur day bad.if i do,sorry
oh my god i feel like such a scum....i don't deserve to live in this world anymore...i'm always hurting people unknowgly.why am i like this....sometimes i really don't mean what i say and i said it at the splurge of the moment.But what is already said is already said...and nobody can pretend nothing has happen.even if they could i wouldn't and couldn't.I really don't mean that johny is like irriating me.I do feel touched sometimes when he sms me.I just write how i was feeling at that point of time and i didn't bother to like explain much because i didn't expect that anyone let alone johny would actually read it.talk about totally bad luck totally busted.i juz cried when i receive his sms because i didn't know that i've hurt him so badly.and honestly i didn't know he treat me as such a close friend....i really have no idea....sometimes i am just too stupid to realise things until people point it out to me bluntly....oh god can u let me be more sensitive towards stuff like these because i don't wanna hurt anybody....or maybe it's better for me to be alone so that i wun be hurting anyone anymore.i feel like the lousest person in this whole wide world...seriously i do..sometimes i feel so presurise by johny's sms because i am running out of sms to reply to him and i've being like sending repeated sms back to him and i'm thinking if i have nothing new or good to send to him then i might as well not send him anything.and plus i do sms people other than him and my sms is like totally way over the limited if i'm gonna like sms him every night...argh no matter what i said i cannot justify what i've done wrong...i just went into a total depression state when he said all that...
okie lilin stop crying,deep breath and think of ways to salvage.
okie what has happen has already happen...i weelilin promise to treat johny better and try to be more understanding and less selfish(hopefully i can achieve that)...i have to give myself more time to change.
now i totally know how xiu xia feels when i say i don't wanna be her friend anymore...this is totally damn retribution man.i'm like virtually slapping myself now...i'll just go to some corner now and hide in shame until i feel better...
Y 5:21 PM
Friday, December 03, 2004
haiz my god i am in such a confuse state now.I don't know what i want.but i don't seem to have the mood to be in a relationship. johny has being smsing me every single night and honestly speaking i am getting tired of it.don't he get tired of smsing me especially when i no longer reply it.it's very sweet of him to like sms me good night message but oh god every night man...that is far too much for me to handle.i really hope that he stop it soon because it is kinda irriating.lord man,i know it is mean for me to say this but give me some space to breathe man.and today c&c we(lili,stella,cheryl,xiu xia) went to tiong bahru market to do our survey thingy and i meet this damn pervert uncle.he irritaes me totally man.and he still have the check to say hey when can i see you again.yucks!never man!dream on!fat chance!get a life!get lost!he creeps me out totally.pervert uncles in general are so detesting..correction i meean all perverts are detesting.
i think i finally know the reason why i am still not attatched after all these years.and the fault lie in me.i get really scared and turn off when guys(generally) like goes after me.But it sounds so bloody stupid because it's like how can you be in a relationship without the dating part ,without the intial chasing part right.so i am totally contridicting myself when i say i wish to be attatched but don't wish to be woo by guys.Erm okie now i am confuse too...oh in short it simply means that my ideas are totally clashing.or could it be that i don't truse guys in general(could be you know after seeing my frds being cheated and all that).or could it be i've lose faith in relationship long time already.or the guys that i will be attracted to has not yet appear?for now i just really wanna be single...i need time for myself ,to think about things....
Y 11:41 PM
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
lili is getting so tempermental these days that i am getting scared to talk to her much.She can be like smiling and the very next minute go all quiet and angry.It's scary and i don't know how to deal with it.It is okie if she do it once in a while but every time.....i'm getting tired of it already....
i am super disappointed with xiu xia.i ask her to accompany me to the library to find my ring and even though i kinda beg her she is like refuse and says like it's nothing....and hey man she wasn't even doing work,watching some movie.....so selfish of her...i am really sick of everything so i think i should not give her any more chance....from this time onwards i will no longer compromise and accompany her to places.And when we went to sakinah's house,i ignore her...i think i should pull away from this friendship before i start to hate her....
sakinah was really a sweetie and she kept asking me what is wrong although intially i kept insisting that nothing is wrong.And i kinda cry a little bit....It is sooooo stress and everything that has happen today isn't pleasant at all.And the science today bascially kills me and i feel so stupid and so inferior and stupid and stupid when i couldn't understand what the heck the website is talking about...it was only when i went to the library to borrow the books den i was able to understand.And benny was like asking me are u ok u look so stress.and i like reply very coldly yah of course watever.lucky his rj question isn't as difficult as last week's one(even though it looks like very difficult).So i guess my day basically improve from the moment sakinah ask me if i am okie till now.
me and sakinah was like gossiping and she was like saying i used to think that u have a crush on daniel and that u and him might have something going on cause the way he talk to you is weird.and she says like sometimes i feel facilitators might be interested in you and i go no way.....seriously i think NO WAY!!!!
I totally bond with all the people that went to sakinah and dian's house(dian 1 ,dian 2,nor,nurul,huda,derick,xue qian,yishan,andy,masturah)...it's so fun
Y 10:50 PM