Friday, May 06, 2005
Sigh I am feeling really terrible now…And being feeling nothing but negativity all day long. I read the chat log that I had with him and really do wish that we were that close like last time. It’s the feeling of disappointment, puzzlement and helplessness that really makes me want to cry. I’ve being a good friend and I dun think I did anything wrong. And even if I did I have already apologies for whatever wrong I did. The truth is I do like him and I thought I don’t. But after talking to alarice just now it just made me sad and all that.
It really sucks when a person tries to be close to you and when you’ve develop feelings for them and then they walk away leaving you to deal with the rest yourself. Sometimes you might meet someone you think it’s possible to be with you too. That sort of feeling and you are so sure it is a sign. But then in the end, you discover things aren’t going that perfect and situation force you to give up. Then what is next? How do you cope with it? I’m always thinking if there is anything more I can do, anything more to make him like me more. But at the same time I dun wanan pressurize him at all. And that I respect him as an individual. Maybe we both cannot really communicate well-I don’t understand what he is thinking of and he don’t understand why there are some issues that is trivial to him that I treat it so seriously. I’ve give up trying to connect with him and he had walk away long time ago. It has become clearer and clearer to me now that we are incompatible…I don’t know if he does that purposely or that things just happen between us at the wrong moment and the odds were against us from the start. Maybe a part of me still hopes for some miracle but deep down inside if I strip away all the liking I have for him I know it’s impossible. Do I not want to see the truth or do I hope too much? But why am I still so stubbornly holding on to a false dream? And the most terrible thing is that when I truly want to give up he’ll make moves that surprise me and that makes me want to hold on more. I don’t understand what he wants and I just feel that he is under stress so he just tends to ignore it totally and choose the easy way out-ignoring the whole matter until it change back to normal. Maybe he is unsure of his own feelings for me?
And I am under so much pressure when I hang out with Leonard and Justin. But I don’t want to act different just because people gossip about me and them. I thought I can do it but it has becoming increasingly difficult. Maybe it doesn’t matter much to others or the average but I just don’t like the feeling of people always putting me with who and who together. It just makes me feel so flirty and so low. And I never did yearn for such attention. It bothers me more than makes me proud. Maybe people can never understand how I am actually feeling and I can’t say I am sick of rejecting guys and being link to guys because all these seem pretty rosy in the eyes of average people. But I am really. I just can’t understand why people can never see me being just purely friends with guys. And rejecting people makes me depress so I am kinda scared when the guys that I don’t have feeling ask me out or be their gf. And I don’t know why but I am scared of Justin that is because he seems so pushy and it makes me resent him. That is why I really don’t feel like talking to him or whatever. Maybe I feel the pressure from him. It’s the way that he looks at me, talks to me and the things he do for me makes me feel that he still like me after so long ad I am scared. So I am avoiding him. But I can’t let much people know this because they’ll just think that I’m being paranoid and refuse to see my side. But no matter what if he makes me feel uncomfortable then I should walk away from this situation and do as I wish isn’t it. Maybe it’s selfish of me to do all these to him but I really cannot deal with him right now…I have far too much things going through my mind and sadness overwhelms me. And the things is that I realize that Leonard is much nicer to me when it’s just me and him only which is a relief to me because I swear sometimes he gets on my nerve. Guys are bundles of trouble and I am always rejecting those who like me and going after guys that don’t like me.
Y 1:08 AM
