Monday, May 09, 2005
I am dying inside. I really am. Bit by bit I’ve lose interest in living. I can no longer find any motivation to be alive. Things just went downhill for me and I am at a point that I feel nobody cares about me anymore. I know that it isn’t true and just that people don’t care the way I want them to it doesn’t mean they don’t. But then why do I feel this way so strongly. It is contradicting that I realize things yet I am denying it. Do I feel that sometimes people love to torture themselves subconsciously to fight for attention or to make them feel loved again? I certainly do.
I can’t hold things back anymore and should really state what I feel inside. I shall complain and heck care so much. Please do not be offended if you see your name in the list down there. Just understand that I need you guys to understand and I can’t do that without expressing it. If you are offended then you aren’t worth being in my life. But just understand this I can’t be miss goody two shoes all the time. I have my limit and my temper too. People just don’t treat me seriously and trample across me when I am too nice. Nice people always get taken advantage and for granted and I am sick of it really. I am really naïve and stupid to think that people will always appreciate me for those but no. So enough is enough.
Eric-I really don’t know if I should treat him as a close friend like before or just a friend or even just a classmate. I was so excited and happy when I know that we are going to be in the same class. And I finally thought to myself finally me and him can become closer and this must really be a chance given by god, a sign that he wants us to be closer. But no. He doesn’t talk to me much and he doesn’t even want to join us for breakfast anymore. Eric you ask yourself are you really that busy or you don’t even make the effort to have breakfast with us anymore? The first week I was still hopeful and understand but when it came to the second week something inside me died and I no longer care anymore. That is why you don’t see me asking him to go eat or whatever.
LiLi-I don’t even know what is happening to you. I don’t ask you what is wrong anymore because you don’t tell me anything. What is the point? I am not going to beg you anymore. And realize that I don’t talk to you much. Ask yourself have I not tried hard enough. You know my style. I don’t force people but I do show them I care and want to try. And if I don’t get that respond back I will just leave. I am not desperate for anything and I never want to hold on so tightly to the things that don’t belong to me.
Stella-you are always Carl here and Carl there. It is always Carl first then us. You can’t do this to us you know. I swear that even if I have a boyfriend in the future I won’t be like you. You are treating us like some second class citizen and Carl is like first class citizen in your eyes. We did nothing wrong to you yet there are time Carl did. So why do you treat us less than Carl. It isn’t far isn’t it? You could at least try to eat with us more. You know that you can try harder but you don’t want to.
I really want to thank Cheryl and xiu Xia for staying with me throughout. They have being a great source of strength to me. I can tell who really care and who just care for the sake of caring. Don’t try to deceive me anymore because I am not doing that anymore to myself. I know definitely I am going to make people cry or angry but just because I don’t cry too doesn’t mean I am not hurting inside. People please stop looking at the surface of what I am and look deeper inside of me. I am elusive and difficult to comprehend but that doesn’t mean it is impossible. I just need more attention and you people to show me that you guys truly want to understand me before I can open up. It is very frustrating and I am at my wits end already.Argh argh argh!!!!
I think I am really over him. I kind of complain that he has being aloof to me for no reason and demand an explaination.He then says that is his attitude and he has being really busy and don’t really keep in contact with people generally. And then he said we don’t have anything to talk about and I am always asking him how is his day and everything and said even his mum don’t do that. So I retort back saying that at least I try and he is the one who cause the conversation to die out. So he said fine I will try too and hope you see it from my point of view as well. Well after talking to him yesterday online(nothing special did happen actually like normal chat) but I don’t know why it suddenly dawn on me that I shouldn’t be hopeful and give him any more chance. He isn’t worth it at all. On the account that I have being so nice to him and all that that he only give back like 50%.Now you guys know that I like everything to be fair and square especially in any sort of relationship. Well now you must be happy huh.I am going to leave you alone and you are just going to get what you deserve. Honestly I feel it’s a mistake to let me go.Okie I hope I don’t sound so egoistic over here but I sincerely do think that its ur boo. It is really going to take more than sorry and all that to get me to your side again. And even if you don’t it doesn’t matter anymore.
And my modules are getting harder especially java. I am getting stress out already and will never forgive myself if my gpa goes below 3.0.I have so many things to catch up and I already am resenting the monotonous 1st meeting 2nd meeting 3rd meeting rj peer evaluation and uts.I absolutely hate it. I am just sick and tired of doing the same thing again and again and I feel I am suffocating over here. I can’t breathe and everything seems so stale and common. I am not in control of my life and events and things are controlling me. I don’t even know if I am enjoying myself and my life. I am fake and shallow and meaningless and fat and ugly and dirty and stupid and boring v boring. I should go and die or something like that isn’t it.
Y 12:58 AM
