Thursday, February 10, 2005
I feel so extremely guilty over the things i said on the phone.I don't mean to do that.Sometimes i wonder by doing that am i just stating my views or badmouthing ?Is there even a guideline or even a clear cut of what is badmounthing and what is not?I always do wonder what kind of person i am and how people see me.Am i like the rest-who are born good naturally...I mean i could be evil without realising it myself....i'll never know for sure right.Sometimes i don't really like to talk about people because i might badmouth them unintentionally and the guilt will come in.When i harbour evil thoughts i'll feel so guilty and condemn myself totally...but why is it so that when i see people doing that i don't condemn them at all...in fact sometimes i even go like oh that is just human nature and i don't blamn them at all for doing and feeling that.seriously i don't know why...i feel that it is much more ok for others to be doing that then myself.i just feel that if i do that, my sins are like time million of theirs.but it is so weird because i am not religious so i don't care about heaven or hell.it is just a mystery and so bizzare.And i feel that even if they do harbour evil thoughts, people will always understand and forgive them but for my case people won't....i don't really believe in myself...althought sometimes people always say lilin i think you have low morale and my standard answer would be haha no la...but deep down inside i know it is true.i am scared to admit because i don't want to appear vulnerable to others. i want to look like i am able to do things for myself and i have confident and i am not someone you can push around.I always tend to follow the crowd if it isn't really against my taste,interest and principals because i don't wanna stand out and attract attention.And i feel safer if i can melt away in the background because i have everyone to back me out.And i blush if like all eyes are on me even if they are the people i know.so it was really hard for me to present in class at the start.and plus i am the kind that reacts to what i think people feels.i'll start to let my imagination run really wild and let that affect my action and speech.i am weak and believe me it takes me a lot of courage to face all these and what i have type today is really something that i've never did before.And i have this secret thought-that everyone hates me or dislike me.
Y 1:47 AM
