But for the sake of a little mouthful of flesh we deprive a soul of the sun and light, and of that proportion of life and time it had been born to enjoy
It is another day at work and every Saturday morning it’s the hardest. I absolutely dread to go to work but after Saturday when I kinda get used to it, Sunday comes easy to me. Everytime I’ll have this urge to quit and every Friday night I will tell myself oh tomorrow I am so gonna tell Mr lee that I want to quit. But when Saturday comes I’ll always tell myself I shouldn’t quit. That is isn’t right for me to just walk out on Mr lee like this.He gave me a job during my last holiday and that basically helps me kill my boredom totally.And everyone there takes care of me a lot. That I really don’t have the heart to quit just like that.Maybe I will quit someday….someday when I have a good enough excuse(and not just plain laziness which I am feeling now) then I’ll do it….For now…I’ll stay around and help him out.Besides he is training me to be the host and the previous host(Leena) is leaving already for her career.Although everyone tells me that not every one can be a host and it is a pretty prestigious post but honestly speaking I don’t enjoy being a host.I have to greet and smile at every customers that walk in and guide them to their seat(which I allocate) and there is planning(of the seats and turnover) to do.Then I’ll chop the kids menu ,cut up the mustache sticker,write dates,listen to phone calls,take reservations,refill the tooth pick bottle,refill the crayon box ,keep the display desert in the fridge and refill the candy box.Yup that is all I have to do when I am the host…and most of the time I will be just standing there staring in space and dreaming when there is no customers.It gets really really boring sometimes and how slow the time passes where there isn’t much customers.My lord! Every minute seem like hour and every hour seem like days….Time passes much faster for a server than for a host. sometimes when my collegure are really busy and I want to help out but I can’t.I am not suppose to leave my post and do other stuff.I tried doing that a few times and mr lee got kinda angry.He told me I should order the others to do things even when customers raise up their hand and ask for things.Intitally it was really really hard for me to stay put at my position because it just seem so unnatural.But now I have custom to it already.I love to be a runner but I’ve only being a runner thrice….time passes soooooooooooo much faster and plus it’s more fun and you don’t have to entertain the customers much. I find it so difficult to be a host especially when I am in a not so happy mood. Because I have to force myself to be chirpy and smile. And there are times when I force a smile and I look darn weird cause I’ll be frowning and forcing my lips upwards. I just look plain weird but hey~ at least I try to act happy right.I just seem to be in such a moody period and I get bouts of depression time to time…..I am scared of myself…I don’t even really fathom why…Anyway I hate myself when my collegue says things like hey why do u get special food and we can only eat the normal stuff and I will always reply because I am a vegetarian and I can’t eat what you guys are eating for it contains meat.I am sick of explaining but I am angry with nobody but myself.You see, for the staff meal they can’t choose what they wanna eat.Instead,the chef will choose for them.But for my case,the chef will always come over and ask me what I would like to eat and then I’ll tell him what I feel like eating that day.And sometimes I feel people resent me a little for this so call privilege. But if they are a vegetarian,they get to choose it too and besides I was already a vegetarian when I work there.So it isn’t a scheme to like milk the staff meal for all it’s worth.Like for an example: tonight’s staff meal, everyone ate chicken mushroom spaghetti and I ordered mushroom bread.Lin Jin and some other staff over there ask me hey how come you get to eat such good staff, you paid for it?And I was like a bit embrassed and I said um nope this is like staff meal and I ordered it.So they went orhz.And alex came over to me and say: haiyoh you really good life man, get to eat whatever you want. Everyone dotes on you lah.And I just kept quiet and finish it as fast as I can before more people can make any comment.And it’s like everytime the other server send the food over to me, they’ll say things like: oh only our miss here have the privilege to order special food, they go like only she has the fortune to eat special stuff or they’ll say like :this is for our da xiao jie one the rest cannot touch.I know they are totally joking but it is really embarrassing for me everytime they say this.I really don’t welcome such attention then I went to the point of compromising.For lunch staff meal when they have already cooked before I even step in to work, I will normally eat before I report to work so that they don’t have to cook another extra for me or if I don’t have the time to eat before I report to work,I will pick out the prawns and chicken before eating the noodles. I am already compromising and there are times where I rather go hungry and buy my own food than trouble them.So basically I am trying to tone everything down and keep it low low low.But on the whole everyone is really nice and caring towards me so I do enjoy working there.Anyway the weird thing is that dinie and alex kept saying that I hate them which is so not the truth.I really don’t hate nor do I even dislike them.And dinie was like saying this to me when I went behind to empty the plates: hey lilin why are you ignoring me. I am really sad and I am being serious about this. Me: huh no..did i?when it’s busy I don’t really stop to smile or whatever he:no it’s like even when we are off you don’t talk to me much too and I always have to talk to you first. As for alex’s case, he will always say : lilin xiao jie ni hao and I will sometimes tend to ignore that when I am busy or I’ll give a half smile to acknowledge it.I really don’t dislike them and I don’t meant to be rude or ignore them. but when I am busy and stress, I don’t smile and I can’t make myself smile so I look dao and fierce and pissed which actually I am not. Maybe I can’t handle stress with a smiley face but that is just the way I am. in fact I frown a lot when I am concentrating or thinking really hard. I frown and look fierce and dao when I am alone. My facial muscle are made to be like this…I can’t help it o.K. get what they are feeling and why. I mean I’ll think that person hates me if every time I talk to him/her she’ll/he’ll be frowning and ignoring me. But I don’t know how to change myself to make myself look more friendly.I guess maybe I have to smile more and make that extra effort to comfort dinie and alex when at work.Okie so from tomorrow onwards, I will try to smile as much as I can…it’s gonna be a smile smile day tomorrow..yippe.
I use my resting time to reply shufen’s letter and her letter this time really makes me smile because somehow I feel that she is happier this time round compared to last time. She has problems that I cannot solve it for her…it has to all depend on herself and with time she’ll be able to manage just well….she is a strong person and she is really someone I really love her a lot. We have being together since secondary one and I really treasure all the moments and time I spent with her. I admit I didn’t used to treasure her that much and I am always complaining that she is always too busy for me. And I even accuse her a few times that if she really cares she would have make time for me. I even went to the extend of wanting to break away from her and it made her cry for days. Looking back at all my childish and spoilt manner, I do somehow regret what I have done to her. But if I had not done all that, I wouldn’t know how much she meant to me nor will be having this strong friendship now. I know deep down my heart that she is definitely someone that I wanna keep forever and ever in my life (this I can promise her).I know that she will always be here for me no matter what and I truly treasure her a lot. And she has my love and support in whatever she do for a very very very long time to come. I told her a few times that no matter how many new friends I made and no matter how close I have become to them, she will always have a special place in my heart which nobody can substitute. She always have give in to my outburst, tolerate my childish ways, spoilt me in everyway she could and be there for me when I need her. There are times when I really hurt her with my nonchalant attitude but I think in so way or so I have also change for her sake. I have change to become a lot more sensitive towards her needs and accommodate her whenever I can. We used to be pulling in different directions but now, we work together towards the same direction and things has became a lot rosier for us ever since then. I can really visualize spending my remaining days with her by my side but I mustn’t think of such morbid thought. Because I know she wants to get married and have kids and have a happy family of her own. I hope she do because she deserve happiness more than anyone I know including myself. I shouldn’t drag her to spend the rest of her life being a
Bachelor girl like myself …..It would be too selfish. Oh anyway I’ll definitely get to be her kid’s godmother and I can play with her kids when I’m bored and alone and….ok I am definitely thinking way too far. I should stop already. But seriously I can so visualize myself to remain single for the rest of my life till the day I die…I am doom to be alone…I can feel it already. I would love to get married someday and have a few kids but ………..it can’t be done…oh maybe I should become some sort of matchmaker….you know since that I can’t have happiness I should help others to achieve that happiness….it’s just sad, really really sad.Oh dear look at the time…I really got to sleep now…gotta work the whole day tomorrow. I’ll continue tomorrow...Tata and night.Zzzzzzzzz
