But for the sake of a little mouthful of flesh we deprive a soul of the sun and light, and of that proportion of life and time it had been born to enjoy
Ok where did I stop at...oh yah the part where I lament that I am going to spend the rest of my life unmarried, unloved and miserable. And I have strong evidence to back up this theory of mine .Have a look and you’ll know why.
1st) I haven’t had a boyfriend before at all
2nd) I kept rejecting all the guys
3rd) I don’t even really know what I want
4th) erm and some other stuff that I can’t remember but as fatal as all the above reason.
See…there you have it…true confession of mine. Totally pathetic, unbelievable but true. I think I should invest in more pets to keep me company. I’ll be like all the old ladies I read in books that will be stroking their pet, rocking on a chair, sipping chamomile tea and looking outside the window and reflecting on their past. Oh lord, I can almost imagine myself doing that.Ok I got to stop scaring myself…think happy thoughts. Breathe in and breathe out….positive thoughts, smile smile smile and be happy. Isn’t there this some sort of saying that goes like this: when life gives you lemon make lemonade with it. Yup that is just the attitude I shall adopt!
Shufen wrote something that is really comforting to me : ‘as 4 ur love life,I can c tt you’re nan ren yuen is still as strong…although its empty bt ni de sheng min zhong you hao duo guo ke..it’s kinda gd as well becos as each of them reacts or behaves differently, u can learn or rather ‘detect’ e different types of guys..& ultimately you will know wd type of guys u really like & e different character they carries’ I think what she says really make sense and I haven’t being able to think of it in this aspect before.I always find it a bother and loathe those guys that likes me but maybe I should really see things from what she says. And by thinking like this I am already feeling so much better and lighter already. Shufen has her way of pacifying me when I worries too much and it does bring a lot of comfort to me.
Oh yah before I forget I wee li lin pledge to be happy from this moment onwards. Why you might ask…simply because I don’t wanna grief anymore and beside I wanna make myself easier to live with for others. It must have being really difficult for them to deal with all my emotional outburst time and time again. I put myself in their shoes and I frown(yes my facial muscles works again).And I believe that if you feel unhappy , you’ll some sort affect what the others feel when they are around you….i call it the negative chi. And don’t laugh ok because I read it in some fengshui book(although I don’t agree much with it except the negative and positive chi part).
Everyone around me seems to be so happily attached and I dare not admit to anyone that I am very very jealous of their happy relationship. But of course I am really really happy seeing them so blissful. Seeing love in the air makes me wanna fall in love and be attached too…But with whom? I can’t find anyone that I love and I definitely don’t want to compromise in any ways .Everyone says that I am far too picky and I should really lower my standards because what I want I can’t find it in anybody .Although I kept telling them ah rubbish I am so not picky but deep inside my heart I have this nagging doubt that maybe I am really too picky. Maybe…..maybe only. I don’t know man. I really don’t. For years I have being thinking about this and really I haven’t being able to come up with an explaination.Jixuan (my another best friend which I place her at the same level with shufen) once told me that I will never be satisfied with normal guys and living an unexciting life is what I fear most…she is half right half wrong….I want a normal relationship but extraordinary in ways that only me and him knows .i can have a boring relationship but it must be mentally stimulating, exciting to us in our own way. It sounds so easy and achievable but honestly speaking with my zero experience, it is really hard. It is just the same logical as trying to be as honest as possible every time even at the expense of putting yourself at a disadvantage position. I wrote in my reflection journal to my culture and communication facilitator:’at the age 12, I made a pact with myself to stay as true as possible to everyone around me or pass by my life. I want to be as honest I can to others even though sometimes I might hurt myself in the process.’ Being honest seem so easy but if you have tried it with all your heart and soul you’ll realize how hard it is to keep this promise. There are times where I really struggle and was so darn tempted to give up. But I think I’ll never forgive myself if I intentionally lie to others and hurting others. I just don’t want to live this world someday regretting that I have made someone unhappy, upset or miserable when I can help it. And a lot of things seem so easy to achieve actually isn’t at all. We just take too much things for granted and not appreciating it as a whole.
I feel that sometimes that we give each other too much pressure…neither are we neither forgiving enough nor caring enough. Sometimes we are just too scared to step out of our comfort zone…but we need to be bold sometimes…we shouldn’t deprive ourselves of opportunities and possible future just because of our coward ness.
No matter how much I say on the surface that I dislike human behaviors deep down inside my heart I know that every human beings has a good heart inside them somewhere. I see goodness in everyone because I believe in them all. .
