Sunday, December 05, 2004
i had the biggest shock of my life when i recieved johny's sms in the evening.This is what he has sms....
sms1:lilin,sorry i didn't know i'm makin u irriated by sending u gd nite sms everynite.when i send out gd nite sms,i send 2 grp of frenz whom i tot really deserve a place in my heart,includin u.i nv expect u 2 return me 1 gd nite sms everytime i send u 1.since u feel irriated by my sms,i'll stop sendin.don't beangry,i'm wrong.i read ur blog n found out abt dis.d other time ,u put ur blog address as ur msn nick,i was curious n went to c.i found out abt dis friday nite.but ur words tat u used in e blog is enough 2 act as a knife tt really pierced thru my heart.i was so sad,i didn't feel like workin yesterday.not until u came 2 me 2 request abt table 72 coffee.did i feel released,becos u didn't tok 2 me d whole day.anyway,pls 4give e irritatin johny.
sms2:i'm sorry.i know i'm rude 2 read it without ur permission.but ifdon't read it then i won't know i'm irritating u, and i'll keep sendin sms till u find me more irritant.i'm sorry.u can scoldme all u want,u can hate me all u want.i'm feelin guilty.i'm remorseful.but u really hurt me thru n thru.tat nite was d 1st nite i cried since i broke up wif my gf 4 yrs ago.tat was real sad when u know tat u r not appreciated.anyway sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
sms3:nvm.it's ok...juz treat it as i'm not strong enuff.i'm a very emotional guy.pathetic hopeless, any negative words u can find can well describe me.sometimes when i make ppl feel irritated,i oso dun know.iknow wat 2 do in d future.i'll keep myself as far away from u as possible.don't worry.i won't irritate u again.and i'm really sorry i read ur blog.i'm really sorry 2 hav come into ur life 2 make u irritated.anyway,i'm quittin spags soon,u wun be able 2 c me soon.i dun 1 u 2 feel guilty watsoever,bcos u're not wrong.i'm d 1 who's wrong.i shouldn't hav kept smsing u when u stopped replying me.
sms4:it's ok.i dun nd u 2 explain.i'm not blaming u,i juz want u 2 know ididn't mean to irriatate u, bcos i didn't know i was irritating u.i'm ok actually.dun worry.
sms5:i'm outside.meetin my poly fren 4 a chat.i'm ok actually.i dun wish 2 be hurt anymore.i'm really tired.i don't blame u really!so dun feel guilty,dun blame urself.u're a nice gal=) have a nice afternoon.i hope i'm not making ur day bad.if i do,sorry
oh my god i feel like such a scum....i don't deserve to live in this world anymore...i'm always hurting people unknowgly.why am i like this....sometimes i really don't mean what i say and i said it at the splurge of the moment.But what is already said is already said...and nobody can pretend nothing has happen.even if they could i wouldn't and couldn't.I really don't mean that johny is like irriating me.I do feel touched sometimes when he sms me.I just write how i was feeling at that point of time and i didn't bother to like explain much because i didn't expect that anyone let alone johny would actually read it.talk about totally bad luck totally busted.i juz cried when i receive his sms because i didn't know that i've hurt him so badly.and honestly i didn't know he treat me as such a close friend....i really have no idea....sometimes i am just too stupid to realise things until people point it out to me bluntly....oh god can u let me be more sensitive towards stuff like these because i don't wanna hurt anybody....or maybe it's better for me to be alone so that i wun be hurting anyone anymore.i feel like the lousest person in this whole wide world...seriously i do..sometimes i feel so presurise by johny's sms because i am running out of sms to reply to him and i've being like sending repeated sms back to him and i'm thinking if i have nothing new or good to send to him then i might as well not send him anything.and plus i do sms people other than him and my sms is like totally way over the limited if i'm gonna like sms him every night...argh no matter what i said i cannot justify what i've done wrong...i just went into a total depression state when he said all that...
okie lilin stop crying,deep breath and think of ways to salvage.
okie what has happen has already happen...i weelilin promise to treat johny better and try to be more understanding and less selfish(hopefully i can achieve that)...i have to give myself more time to change.
now i totally know how xiu xia feels when i say i don't wanna be her friend anymore...this is totally damn retribution man.i'm like virtually slapping myself now...i'll just go to some corner now and hide in shame until i feel better...
Y 5:21 PM
