But for the sake of a little mouthful of flesh we deprive a soul of the sun and light, and of that proportion of life and time it had been born to enjoy
I must be the loneliest person in this whole wide world because that is what I am feeling right now.It may seem like i am always surrounded with people and friends that adore me.But are they relly true?Or are their mere illusion...An illusion that surrounds me and surrounds everyone.Like a mist,it cloudes my judgement and that is not good.One of the scariest thing in this world is to think that you might posses something but in the end you find that nothing is real and all of that are just plain illusions.I have always being surrounded by this though all my life.I am scared of losing the people I have and know right now and I am just someone that is scared of loneliness.today at school,it just suddenly dawn on me that lili,stella,cheryl and xiu xia have being and will always be in a group without me.They are just like a basket of fruits(apple,orange,pear and watermelon) and i am just like the riceball....A riceball can never become a fruit and can never be accepted as one too.I just feel far too tired to try and i wanna give up.Despite all that i have done for them,i don't think they appreciate much.Especially them with the same cca, they are closer than ever and i am further and further away from them.Dearest diary,i really did try you know.I am just a person just a girl standing in front of them ,begging them to accept me and love me for who i am.But this is one of the hardest thing to do.I don't wanna use emotional blackmail.what is mine will be mine no matter wat.Mala had this nick today which says-If you want sumtin very very badly,let it go free.If it comes back to u,it's urs 4eva.If it doesn't,it was never urs to begin.Although this sounds so cruel but i like it a lot because it is a very honest nick and i do agree with it.I think i suffocate myself too much and i tried too desperately to hold on to them....Let them go and if they value me, they will turn back and realise that they have left me behind.If they come back to find me, i will welcome them with open arms and will run towards them....But do it quickly xiu xia,lili,stella and cheryl because i am scared someday i might just give up far too much to salvage anything.I once ask lili what kind of friend does she treat me as and she reply my best friend and i ask what about stella,cheryl and xiu xia.she said xiu xia is also my best friend.So i asked her are you sure u treat me as ur best friend and she reply yes.But if yes why don't and why can't i feel it deep inside my heart.I want to believe what she say and if i make myself believe it i will be extremely happy but yet i can't........oh don't ask me why i can't.All i know is that my heart just feel kinda painful,it's a bit like someone poking your heart with a fine needle.although the wound is small but you can feel it at the same time and it is capable of becoming bigger and bigger.Oh god i am someone who hates being depressed and sad but i just got to write this down because this is my own way of recovering.jixuan said i ask for too much and expect far too much from others therefore i am and will always be disappointed.Maybe this is true but i can't help it....it is only natural to expect a return from a friendship or a relationship....this i call it's interaction.Alex told me this: sometimes when i have things that i cannot put down,i think about other stuff.He might be able to do this but i can't.I am far to emotional and weak to do that and this is one of the many things i hate myself for.Of course it is nice to sympathise people but in the end only i suffer the most.I really do wonder at time, why does the majority of the guys treat me better than the girls.Am I so unlikable to the girls?I would truly trade for the guys to girls.....And this makes me even more lonely.........
